May 23, 2011

2012 Olympics to Feature Destructive Envy as New Event - Oman Tipped

*** Warning!  May Contain Deliberate Untruths as Satire Preservative. ***

Exclusive to the not-daily "The Linoleum Surfer"!

Officials of the International Olympic Committee confirmed in a press release today that the London 2012 games will feature "Destructive Envy" as a competitive event for the first time.  This is in recognition of the sport's growing international following, and will be welcomed particularly in many Arab countries, where it is considered a national pastime.  A number of countries will be hoping for medals in 2012, having already competed at Destructive Envy or "حسد/Hasad", as it is known in Arabic, as an exhibition sport in Beijing 2008.

The inclusion of the sport has given a huge boost to the small Arabian country of Oman, whose previous Olympic record is sparse to say the least.  As reigning Arab champions, the Indian Ocean sultanate with a population of a mere two million, is now hotly tipped as a possible gold medal winner.  Oman has never previously won an Olympic medal, but has dominated Hasad events in intra-regional competition.  Most recently, the Omani team clinched a thrilling victory at the Asian Games, causing the tyres to burst on the Emirati team bus just as they seemed certain to steal the title.  This was a boost to the much-vaunted Team Hasad Oman  after a surprise loss in Beijing, when the team from Egypt (where the sport is known as "Eye") managed to give everyone food poisoning on the final day.

Dr Khalfan Al Falani, team captain of the Omani outfit known by fans as "الحاسد الاحمر/Al Hasid Al Ahmar", expressed his delight:  "This is a really big deal for us here in Oman, to finally get a chance to compete in the national game.  Sure, some people like football or whatever, but there's no sport like this one.  It really is very much part of our cultural make-up, and we learn it from birth.", said Al Falani.  "As a Hasad PhD and team captain for a few years now, I can tell you we're really at the top of our game, and we're working really, really hard to keep developing."

"Among the team members, the Hasad culture is built on a strong team rivalry.  For instance, after winning the Asian Games, I got a special bonus as captain - a new car.  No sooner had I driven it home from the dealership than I had a throat infection that kept me quiet for a week!  I think I have the deputy captain to thank for that one - he really is awesome!  We have a great spirit going on between us though, and as soon as the antibiotics kicked in I went straight to his house to admire his new cappucino machine.  The flooding from a burst pipe and resulting electrical fire meant he had to move out for three months - it was awesome!"

But it's not just with other members of Team Hasad Oman that the national talent can be seen, claims Al Falani:  "You might have heard that after the 2012 games, the Olympic stadium they built is going to be used by a football team called West Ham.  Well, when we heard that we really saw a chance to flex the Hasad muscles and show what we can do as a warm up to competing there: in the second last game of the season we relegated those smug jerks at West Ham right out of the Premier League, making them throw away a two goal lead at another struggling club - let's see how they like their new stadium from the second division!  Ha!   That's real top-drawer professional class Hasad ,I'm telling you!  All we needed was one Omani player on the other team and they were doomed.  By the way, I just want to say a big thank you to Big Ali for that one - cross training with him is always a pleasure!"

So it's good luck to the Omanis for 2012 and good luck to Dr Khalfan Al Falani, who's hoping to add to his impressive collection of Hasad honours on behalf of the sport's spiritual home. "Hey, say ma sha' Allah will you?", he added wryly.

IOC officials were unable to comment on the recent sacking of West Ham United's Israeli manager.


Mohammed Al Tamami said...

Lol crazy!!

The Linoleum Surfer said...

Thanks for commenting and following - glad somebody gets it, as I've had a complaint about this one already! Please share anything that amuses or enlightens on FB, Twitter etc and spread the word; it's a new blog unknown to most so far ;)

Thanks again. Ma sha Allah....

Mimi said...

Hahhaha loved it!!!

TripleTee said...

isn't he talented?

well those who do not understand 'Hasad'. It's what Omanies call something that is equivalent to 'the green eye' (but unlike most cultures... over here.. the green eye actually affects you (the one being green eyed), according to omanies). so if anything wrong happens to a person, more often than not you'll find him/her accusing another of having had their green eyes on them. in other words they're saying: s/he was jealous of me so s/he cursed me!

AZ said...

Witty and insightful (hopefully my car tires did not blow up while typing this...).

Rummy said...

This is just pure intelligence. Made me crack up and think about the matter in the same time.

Witty indeed.

davidalockwood said...

There is a certain political persuasion in the UK who may do well at this event!

I have only recently found your blog – humour, satire and some serious thought involved.
Really brightens my day.

The Linoleum Surfer said...

Thanks a lot for that David...please Facebook, Twitter etc anything that you like, and let us know anything you don't! Following "publicly" is also appreciated - makes people feel like they're in good company!

One more thing - requests for subjects to talk about are also welcome.

So thanks again for dropping by...we'll try to live up to your praise!


Suburban said...

LOVED this.

Anonymous said...

Good stuff sir.

Anonymous said...

hahahaaa love it!!!
Just discovered your blog today..i think ill be following :)
Already a fan