So here we are: Blog entry number one. Technically number four, with three old pieces from another site uploaded. But this is it, the big moment, the real one I've been thinking about all day: The inaugural post of the Linoleum Surfer. So it had better be good, right? Important. The Arab Spring. Libya, Bahrain, Syria, even what's been happening here in Oman. Or the global economy, clean energy, saving the planet? But no. In recognition of my 100% female following (both of them) on the first day of this blog, I'm going to upset some women.
See, I am a sexist. Kind of. Not a sexist who thinks women can't do anything. Not the kind who thinks their only conceivable (no pun intended) purposes are to provide sexual pleasure or cook dinner. On the contrary, although I prefer the company of a woman for sexual pleasure, cooking I can quite happily do by myself. And yes, women can do anything. Or at least, just like men, for everything that can be done, there is probably a woman who can do it.
The thing is, I'm that other kind of sexist: the ordinary man who thinks that men and women are different. And we've not been popular lately. Not in the West, that's for sure. And increasingly, we're much maligned in the traditionally safe havens of Arabia. We think men and women are just made differently - a biological fact that we all know from an early age, but also we believe, a difference in thinking, in skills, in nature. And we're under attack:
Firstly, the role of the male has been successfully destroyed. We have not only to accept the female boss, but also not to make jokes about our female boss's appearance, even though we can refer to our male boss as fat, bald, or just plain ugly. We also have to pretend to understand signs that we just can't read from the women we love, for fear of being seen as "insensitive" otherwise. N.B. Women: men do not do "hints". So scream it, bawl it, print it on your t-shirt and then scratch it into our flesh with a broken pencil if you want it to register...thank you for listening...yes, you do it so well...you're a woman...
And in the West, men have given up being men altogether: No more sense of responsibility, no more short haircuts and stiff upper lips. Now it's all crying, earrings, video games for granddads, fizzy pop for booze and not knowing how to fix the boiler yourself. And since when did superheroes, the Norse deity of thunder for example, start waxing their chests? I'll tell you when: since boy bands topped the charts, since cardigans replaced bomber jackets, since all talk show hosts had to be overtly homosexual and since not appearing to be an overgrown vanilla-flavoured freshly-powdered baby instead of a man made you a suspected rapist. Men, have you ever found yourself wondering how your father or grandfather had all that discipline, and strange knowledge in repairing the vacuum cleaner or mowing those neat lines in the lawn? It's gone. And why? Because the feminists made him cry.
Secondly, the feminist-lesbo-killers have given the female a real PR job. Men are from Mars (stupid cavemen who don't listen!), and women are from Venus (beautiful, spiritual creatures who must be studied and understood). No! Men and women are from Earth. Men need to watch the telly, and women are better at untangling knots, but really crap at parallel parking or putting suitcases into the boot. These realities are now the stuff only of edgy stand-up comedy though. Not to be taken seriously. The Venusians must rule.
They've also invented a concept called "multi-tasking", which is what men used to call "fannying about". Getting on with one thing and doing it properly is now known, conversely, as being "anal" and (how did this become a pejorative phrase?), "male-brained about it". If you don't stop doing what you're doing and start fannying about, then you'd better move over. Dither a bit, do a little of everything, share and care and talk about it. Be a fucking big girl or die. That's it, the modern world, the death of manhood, the beginning of the demise of the human race.
But there is a serious point to all this. Not only has the archetypal male been summarily castrated, waxed, subdued and slaughtered, but equally obsolete is the female who raised us all. I'm not kidding. My grandmother had a "little part-time job" for a while in the War. The rest of the time she popped out a couple of children,beat carpets, boiled cabbage, baked cakes, made-do-and-mended, ironed socks and stopped her husband leaving the house with a bit of paper stuck on his neck where he'd cut himself shaving. She also spoke four languages, listened to Radio Four, knitted, crocheted, kept an immaculate garden, played the zither, went dutifully to church and helped raise her six grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren. She damn well wouldn't now.
As a western woman, choosing to make your life's mission the production and direction of a series of healthy, well-adjusted generations beyond you, is now officially a failure of ambition. Keeping house is voluntary slavery. Raising your own children is a sign of mental deficiency. Go to a dinner party and watch the look on the other women's faces as your wife answers that yes, she's well-educated, but her preference is to be a stay-at-home mother. Maybe a bit of part-time work or a small home business when they get a bit older. Watch them sneer. Not the men, you understand, the women.
And don't think this is confined to the decadent West either: The Arabian feminist is on the rise, mark my words. Of course, the Omani working woman has her maid, and her mother's maid, to raise her children while she's at the bank. No worries about expensive day-care: The illiterate Indonesian slaves will do the upbringing thank you very much! And mama can get a Gucci handbag. In the mean time, because families are mostly "double-income" now, the market has followed them: The average house price used to be around three times' the average salary. Now it's around six times'. So you're stuck: Unless you're a very wealthy man, your lady just HAS to work, or you'll never get a place of your own. And how's that record unemployment coming on, too? Three million and rising in the UK is plenty. In Oman, four times as many young men are claiming unemployment benefits as are in private sector employment. Just think about that one for a minute.
Now I'm not saying that a woman can't be a pilot, a PhD, a police...person, chairman of the board or top of the hit parade. Quite definitely some can. And if they can and they want to, damn it they should, and nothing should stand in their way! Nor am I saying that economic ills will all be resolved by firing all the women and giving their jobs to (presumably) less qualified, less motivated male alternatives. But, feminist-laser-psychopaths, ask yourselves this: When did a woman lose her right to choose to be a wife and mother? When did that become something to look down upon? When you get old and contemplate the end of your days, what will be your greatest achievement? Maybe, just maybe, raising a family will be one of them. Maybe the only one. So maybe the woman who chooses that path deserves a bit more respect, not just from her caveman father, husband and son. But from the woman who claims to be promoting her gender's cause.
P.S. Fellow man: Grow up and save society, will you? If you want your wife barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, you'd better get a job - and learn how to unblock the sink while you're at it.