Washington, DC - The Linoleum Surfer
Steve Jobs, founder and CEO of technology giant Apple Inc., was today reported to have survived a mugging attempt while walking in the popular Pennsylvania Avenue area of the US capital, Washington DC.
According to witnesses, a tall African-American male, estimated to be in his late forties and "with prominent ears like Will Smith", accosted Jobs without provocation. The assailant was reported to have shouted bizarre, cryptic messages including"give me the 75 billion you feeble-ass mutha****a!" and "can we use your money to get out of this shit- yes we mutha****in' can", while reaching violently for Jobs' jacket pocket.
Police sources indicate that the language used by the mugger might be a clue to his identity, and symptomatic of a man "in a dark place, psychologically speaking - this seems like a guy under a lot of pressure". A Police Department spokesperson confirmed that a man matching the above description was being sought in connection with "an incident", and that he had been accompanied by "several white men in suits and dark glasses who appeared to have sophisticated communications equipment, small arms and ballistic-resistant vehicles." Members of the public were advised not to approach their congressmen.
Bystanders watched in disbelief as the attack took place, before Jobs apparently "levitated above the city", allegedly making an "L-is-for-loser" gesture with his finger and thumb.
Steve Jobs is believed to have extensive private health insurance.
(Wtf? Read this.)