July 30, 2011

Apple CEO Survives Mugging Attempt!

(Warning: 78.2% Satire.  Not Suitable for Minors.)

Washington, DC - The Linoleum Surfer

Steve Jobs, founder and CEO of technology giant Apple Inc., was today reported to have survived a mugging attempt while walking in the popular Pennsylvania Avenue area of the US capital, Washington DC.

According to witnesses, a tall African-American male, estimated to be in his late forties and "with prominent ears like Will Smith", accosted Jobs without provocation.  The assailant was reported to have shouted bizarre, cryptic messages including"give me the 75 billion you feeble-ass mutha****a!" and "can we use your money to get out of this shit- yes we mutha****in' can", while reaching violently for Jobs' jacket pocket.

Police sources indicate that the language used by the mugger might be a clue to his identity, and symptomatic of a man "in a dark place, psychologically speaking - this seems like a guy under a lot of pressure".  A Police Department spokesperson confirmed that a man matching the above description was being sought in connection with "an incident", and that he had been accompanied by "several white men in suits and dark glasses who appeared to have sophisticated communications equipment, small arms and ballistic-resistant vehicles."  Members of the public were advised not to approach their congressmen.

Bystanders watched in disbelief as the attack took place, before Jobs apparently "levitated above the city", allegedly making an "L-is-for-loser" gesture with his finger and thumb.

Steve Jobs is believed to have extensive private health insurance.

(Wtf?  Read this.)


♡ αmαℓ said...

Apple has more money than the American government.

That is the saddest and most pathetic statement I have ever read. I wonder if Apple will just buy America now :p

Sa'dia said...

Poor, Poor America.... They'll probably just raise the debt ceiling to get out of this mess - least sticky way out.

Anonymous said...

You are genius! Keep writing.

Safiyah said...

I love your writing :) Wealth doesn't interest me, I just wish they would share it with others. It's sad to think that it's possible to stop the hunger in the world, but that people rather keep their money to themselves so they can buy the latest smartphone, car or villa.

Anonymous said...

Safiyah- give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach him how to fish and he'll eat forever.
Steve Jobs could buy a lot of fish for Africa, it's true, but it wont solve anything in the long-term.
You would probably be surprised how much does go to charities and sustainable development, just look at Jobs' alter-ego and hat he has done with his Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.