July 28, 2011

World's Dumbest Terrorists

Warning: May contain man-made satirical substances unsuitable for those of choleric temperament.

A thought: further to my previous post on the Norwegian Christian extremist terror attack (that still sounds kind of cool in a totally wrong, uncomfortable way, doesn't it?), I am wondering if there is another way we should have known it wasn't a Muslim who did it?  See, Muslims have been terrorists for ages.  "Islamic extremist terror" or whatever your term of choice might be, has been around since at least the early nineties in the public consciousness, and in reality for way longer.  Yet for all of that, on seeing that one dude alone with a rifle and some fertiliser could murder ninety people without even getting a punch in the face, we should have known that he wasn't a Muslim.  Because, ladies and gentlemen, for all the years of training and experience, Muslims totally suck at terrorism.

No, I mean it.  To be fair, the 11 September murderers averaged around one hundred and fifty dead innocents each (is it really hot down there, boys?), but that's a one-off.  It also took many more people to make that happen, so the real average is way lower.  Oh, and they all had to die, which even if you think dying in the act of multiple homicide is a fast track to heaven, is resource-intensive.  Minus points for that.  As for the other most celebrated acts of terrorism carried out by Muslims, most have also involved the expenditure of at least one single-use human, and few can rival the weirdly camp Norwegian Walter Mitty for ruthless efficiency.

But, you've got to ask yourself: How?!  I mean, how the hell can the people who have the number one terrorism brand in the world be so bad at it?  Really, think about it:

- There are manuals on the internet on how to make explosives.  Kids can learn to fly planes, drive all manner of cars, bikes and boats, work stuff by remote control, and even synthesise lethal nerve toxins in the privacy of their student accommodation.  And how many Muslims do you know who don't have incongruously good IT skills compared to their overall level of education?  Muslims dig technology and the internet.  And cars.

- There are training camps in at least four countries I can think of where battle-hardened warriors can offer live-fire practice with all manner of ex-soviet light weapons, and heavier ones too.  They are all in countries with an extremely low cost of living, and all (as far as I know) offer their services totally free.

- As for those weapons, you can then buy a Kalashnikov in America without being arrested.  And thanks to Schengen and the Channel Tunnel, you can get one pretty much anywhere in Europe illegally, but easily, for less than the price of a high-mileage Ford Escort.  

- There are millionaires and billionaires who will fund you.  There are teachers and mentors who will coach you in the spiritual path to the point that you think killing babies is what God wants.  And there are a dozen messages in your email inbox every day, explaining in great detail exactly who God wants you to murder and how many afterlife blow jobs are waiting as reward.

So let's say you're of the frame of mind that terrorism is the career for you, and that you're messed up enough to get started.  Everything is there for you, nice and easy.  Weapons, knowledge, funding (although most terrorist incidents could have been funded by a summer in McDonalds if you didn't waste anything), guidance and even free training are all readily available.  You might already live in a target-rich environment and have no visa issues or worries about making a living.  What's more, considering your absolute disregard for the arithmetic of human life, pretty much everywhere on the planet is a target-rich environment!  

With all these advantages, Muslim terrorists should be the Rolls Royce of horrific murder.  So how is it that the Norwegian Nazi, the Oklahoma guy, even that Israeli who whacked everyone in the mosque in Al Khalil (Hebron), are so much better at indiscriminate slaughter?  For one-man shows, they killed a load of people.  And, at the end of it, they get be a tax burden on the Infidel, living in secure accommodation with three squares a day while they write their memoirs. Ahmed is just a smouldering pair of sandals.  

Well, there are two good reasons why Muslims are underachieving in the bloody terrorism business.  The first is that a lot of people know that Muslim extremists are the number one terrorist brand, and thanks to the long track record of baby-murdering, and the likes of Evil Bob telling the world that all Muslims are terrorists, it's pretty difficult now to get established if you're a Muslim.  As most Muslims belong to a relatively small selection of ethnic groups, and tend to be the minority in the best target environments, they do stand out a bit as well. Especially as they usually call themselves special Muslim names just to alert the security guard/immigration official/flying school receptionist/mail order clerk to their evil intent.

As a visibly Muslim person, a majority non-Muslim environment where you might want to be a terrorist, can be unaccommodating.  Even the most incompetent security agencies are capable of seeing that someone's been a regular visitor to free terrorist training camps, or hanging around with other known terrorists.  Also, there's an infrastructure issue.  Stuff like forged documents and vehicle plates are hard to come by if you're not plugged into an established criminal fraternity.  That's fine if, say, you're already a gangster and in or near your home town, like Abu Musab al Zarqawi.  But Ahmed don't get no love from the New Jersey Mafia.  And when you call up to order ten tons of nitrogen fertiliser and give the name on your credit card as Hamza Jihad Al Muslim, you're probably only a short time away from some men with gas masks and assault rifles smashing your door down and kicking you in the nuts.

But once your aspiring extremist murderer has got around all those things, and is about to go to work, he's still going to suck.  Why?  Because he's stupid.  Really.  Even if he's a doctor or a pilot, with an apparently strong track record of intellectual achievement.  Like the man who drove a Jeep into Glasgow airport, and managed to get himself burned only almost to death and punched in the face by several members of the public, without killing anyone else.  Great work, Doc.  And thanks a bunch for having a car just like I had at the time.  The jokes were hilarious.  Piece of shit.  

More often though, the aspiring terrorist has a strong track record of being a loser.  If you're an unemployed bum with no social status or family respect, maybe a couple of minor drug convictions, no girlfriend and an unpleasant skin condition, the whole Islamic extremism thing is so you.  Everyone knows that in many of our Muslim communities, men with long beards who talk noisily and constantly about religion, are to be respected.  Venerated even.  To excess in my opinion.  So it you're a 24-carat shit-heel, there's a business class flight to respectability just begging for you to board.  Yes, you too can be a beardy bigmouth who tells everyone about how religious you are.  Grow that face, baby!  Shave your head.  Dress like a Pakistani or a short-robed Saudi regardless of your own ethnicity.  Hang around in the mosque like it's your house.  Lecture people with a smug half-smile about stuff you just read on the internet.    You've made it.  You might still be an educationally subnormal, unproductive bum.  But now you're a bum who has to be listened to!  Yay!

Except that being stupid, you're now prey to smarter people than you.  The REAL terrorists.  The ones who write that first hate-filled but oh-so-plausible post on the internet, with its out of context verses, its obscure ahadith, its bizarrely pejorative language about other religions, races and nationalities, and its bare-faced lies.  The ones who know how to manipulate inadequate half-wits like you.  The ones who make the brand.  The ones who offer you the transition from halfwit loser, to anti-hero.  The fact is that most people who carry out terrorist acts are young, ignorant, and have troubled pasts with their families and/or the law.  There are cleverer, more calculating minds that guide them, but it's usually the morons who get to blow themselves up.   I'm guessing that's the reason that the normal hallmark of Islamic extremists is incompetence.  

So why isn't the extremist terror franchise getting a better quality of outlet, like me? I'd like to think I'm a reasonably intelligent person.  At age 15, I made explosive devices for fun and to show off to my friends, with stuff I could buy over the counter as a 15-year old boy.  And the internet didn't even exist - I got that stuff from an old book!  I have imagination, language skills, local knowledge of several countries and no criminal record.  I'm a decent shot with a rifle.  I have strong feelings about various political issues, and deep anger at the injustices of the world.  And I'm a Muslim.  On paper, I'd make a fantastic murdering extremist.  So why am I working in a normal job and writing on here instead of signing up for loony-school?  I'll tell you why: like a billion other Muslims, I think killing people is a really, really bad thing.  And you really have to be a special kind of retard to be a terrorist.

P.S. Perhaps you think that some of this seems in bad taste.  Maybe.  I've personally lost two friends killed and a third maimed for life to Al Qaida-inspired terrorist acts.  All just ordinary, innocent people.  I've also had the unusual experience of having sectarian terrorists shoot at me and an American soldier threaten to fire his rifle into my face, in the same day. Strange times.  And whatever political or religious perspectives I have on a million different issues, I really despise terrorists, their supporters, and anyone who holds human life cheap.

But that's really why I'm writing this.  It's important to ridicule terrorists.  Abuse them.  Laugh at them.  Remind the world of exactly how un-cool being a terrorist is.  How far it is from being right or good.  Deride them and curse them because they really are the biggest a**holes.  Thanks for reading. 

TLS

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant as ever. I do enjoy your blog!

The Linoleum Surfer said...

But it's the enjoyment that dare not speak its name...the cloak of anonymity remains...*sigh*

Thanks anyway!

The Linoleum Surfer said...

Oh, but just one thing (and same goes to any others who like this, or any other post): I will forgive your anonymity as well as many other things, if you would do me the small service of spamming this as a "share" onto the Facebook pages of any friends you think might enjoy it. As many as you like, no extra charge.

Thanks :)

Convert_chica said...

Assalaamu alaikum :)

Thanks for writing this---totally spot on!

Suburban said...

I. Fucking. Love. This.

Shared.

Sa'dia said...

I share your sentiments. Why not publish this in newspapers across the globe :)...

The Linoleum Surfer said...

Well, you can re-post it on people's Facebook pages all you like! Just click that little "f" button, choose your own page, and then your friends in turn, time and time again...all completely free.

But if any newspaper wants to syndicate me, I am both expensive and good value. Win-win. ;)

Thanks Sa'dia, that's a nice thing to say. :)

Alice said...

Keep writing! I think your blog is one of the best I ever come across!

AZ said...

Absolutely brilliant!

Blewyn said...

Great to hear this coming from a Muslim..

Trygve said...

Absolutely hilarious. What a great post to wake up to!!

BigManInOman said...

I love the way you self-censor in this article- it is OK to write 'shit' but you feel the need to edit the (American) use of 'a**holes'!
Another great entry in what is becoming one of the best blogs on the internetweb.
Thanks and keep it up.

The Linoleum Surfer said...

Thanks folks! Please keep sharing...

Re. self-censorship, certain words I've discovered block the RSS feed to the FB page. Seems to be fine with "shit", but not the a-hole...this piece originally had a different title too!

Neil Roberts said...

Nice one! Shared on Twitter.....

Boxie said...

good writing, keep up the good work.

Omani Princess (not Omani LOL) said...

Just thought I'd share as it illustrates a couple of your points;) amusingly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McB9tsabPn0

Anonymous said...

I don't think it was great that some terrorist group thought they could bring Religious war and bigotry to Glasgow...

As Frankie Boyle said: -

"We're 400 years ahead of you! You don't even have a football team yet!"

(For the non-Brits who don't understand. Look up the rivalries between Celtic and Rangers in Glasgow)

poly-vinyl chloride boogie boarder said...

@lino - "See, Muslims have been terrorists for ages. "Islamic extremist terror" or whatever your term of choice might be, has been around since at least the early nineties in the public consciousness, and in reality for way longer."

Ah. Hmm. How about the Christian fucking crusades? Oh, wait a minute, Brevik (Berwick) fancied himself a neo-knights Templar. Hmmm... I think dumbshit motherfuckers have been terrorists for ages. Take anyone with their skewed understanding of reality and give them enough power to hurt another, and they'll probably do it. It is education. Not the university kind. The family kind. It is being 'kind' - or not being kind at all. How many Omani kids can't even be at one with a stray animal on the roadside?

Militant views often are seeded in religious doctrine. Arab Islam extremists, like all other extremists (Jews, Christians etc) are no exception. The big problem is when normality starts getting extreme. There are lots of things I saw in my time in Oman (boy, it was a long time) that made me think 'once the big fella goes we'll see the worms in the woodwork emerge.' You'll see more extreme views from even your bestest (sic) of friends. Good luck to all of us, be us victim to any idiocy, any religion, in any country.