Tripoli/London: "The Linoleum Surfer" Staff
International leaders today condemned the British Government as "illegitimate", and called for urgent change and a cessation of hostilities as violence swept the country. Addressing the recently-expanded Axis of Evil, or E8 Summit as it is now known, Libyan leader Muammar Al Qadhafi called openly for regime change in the United Kingdom: "I think it is clear now that the Cameron regime has lost its right to rule. He and his ally Clegg must now recognise that the people have expressed their will, and it's time to go. We can keep talking about withdrawing paramilitary personnel and so-called "riot squads" from London, but ultimately we know that the only real solution is for Cameron to step down."
The recent demonstrations and violence have followed the killing of a man by Cameron security forces in the underprivileged Tottenham Hale area of London at the end of last week. The paramilitary forces responsible refused to be held to account by demonstrators, and the uprising has now spread to traditionally oppositionist northern cities, as well as dozens of areas of Cameron's capital city. Security forces seem increasingly unable to cope, and there are rumours of defections to the opposition. President Bashar al Assad of Syria, who will take over the E8 presidency from Libya this month, predicted further rebel successes: "The Cameron regime has successfully crushed the unarmed student demonstrations earlier this year, but what we're seeing now is a widespread popular uprising. There is just no way to contain that. The Army have shown no willingness to intervene, and Cameron's interior ministry forces are clearly unable to cope, and morale is falling. We don't think it will be long now before the rebel forces reach the key Cameron-held areas of Pimlico and Guildford."
The loosely-allied rebels are making disorderly progress across the country, according to reports. The Cameronist region of Surrey has seen buildings burn and security forces unwilling or unable to fight back. Meanwhile, armed only with looted light fashionable footwear and some scaffolding poles, rebel forces have had stunning successes in Cameron's capital. Electrical goods depots and food outlets have fallen into rebel hands overnight, giving an important logistical and morale boost to the freedom fighters.
Neither Qadhafi nor Assad would be drawn on the possibility of a no-fly zone, but both hinted at a willingness to provide practical support to the rebel forces: "Provided the E8 can pass a supporting resolution, Muammar and I are both prepared to send help to the rebels", added the Syrian leader. "They are clearly in need of the most basic equipment, such as scarves to wrap around their faces, and big-@ss sunglasses. We are prepared to finance that as a necessary step towards freedom and justice in Britain."
A communique from the E8 leaders has dismissed a proposed peace mission from Northern Ireland as "lacking credibility". It noted the long-standing connections between the London regime and Belfast, and that the Ulster representatives could not be seen as impartial while receiving significant subsidies from the Cameron regime. Yemeni leader Ali Saleh added that "while we call for an immediate cessation of hostilities by Cameronist forces, a peaceful solution must involve the removal of Cameron and his henchmen, and an immediate withdrawal of security forces from the population centres".
Meanwhile, an E8 delegation is believed to have arrived in London via the port of Luton, held by rebels with rumoured Islamist connections. The emissaries are scheduled to meet rebel leader "Wiggy", of the "Harlesden Posse" faction of the rebel alliance, as a step towards recognising a Wiggy-led interim government pending the emergence of a more competent dictator. A spokesman for Wiggy welcomed the move as "well sick man, you know what I mean?"