August 09, 2011

World Leaders: British Regime Illegitimate; Cameron "Must Step Down"

Warning: No Access Beyond This Point Without Protective Humour


Tripoli/London: "The Linoleum Surfer" Staff

International leaders today condemned the British Government as "illegitimate", and called for urgent change and a cessation of hostilities as violence swept the country.  Addressing the recently-expanded Axis of Evil, or E8 Summit as it is now known, Libyan leader Muammar Al Qadhafi called openly for regime change in the United Kingdom: "I think it is clear now that the Cameron regime has lost its right to rule.  He and his ally Clegg must now recognise that the people have expressed their will, and it's time to go.  We can keep talking about withdrawing paramilitary personnel and so-called "riot squads" from London, but ultimately we know that the only real solution is for Cameron to step down."

The recent demonstrations and violence have followed the killing of a man by Cameron security forces in the underprivileged Tottenham Hale area of London at the end of last week.  The paramilitary forces responsible refused to be held to account by demonstrators, and the uprising has now spread to traditionally oppositionist northern cities, as well as dozens of areas of Cameron's capital city.  Security forces seem increasingly unable to cope, and there are rumours of defections to the opposition.  President Bashar al Assad of Syria, who will take over the E8 presidency from Libya this month, predicted further rebel successes: "The Cameron regime has successfully crushed the unarmed student demonstrations earlier this year, but what we're seeing now is a widespread popular uprising.  There is just no way to contain that.  The Army have shown  no willingness to intervene, and Cameron's interior ministry forces are clearly unable to cope, and morale is falling.  We don't think it will be long now before the rebel forces reach the key Cameron-held areas of Pimlico and Guildford."

The loosely-allied rebels are making disorderly progress across the country, according to reports.  The Cameronist region of Surrey has seen buildings burn and security forces unwilling or unable to fight back.  Meanwhile, armed only with looted light fashionable footwear and some scaffolding poles, rebel forces have had stunning successes in Cameron's capital.  Electrical goods depots and food outlets have fallen into rebel hands overnight, giving an important logistical and morale boost to the freedom fighters.

Neither Qadhafi nor Assad would be drawn on the possibility of a no-fly zone, but both hinted at a willingness to provide practical support to the rebel forces: "Provided the E8 can pass a supporting resolution, Muammar and I are both prepared to send help to the rebels", added the Syrian leader. "They are clearly in need of the most basic equipment, such as scarves to wrap around their faces, and big-@ss sunglasses.  We are prepared to finance that as a necessary step towards freedom and justice in Britain."

A communique from the E8 leaders has dismissed a proposed peace mission from Northern Ireland as "lacking credibility".  It noted the long-standing connections between the London regime and Belfast, and that the Ulster representatives could not be seen as impartial while receiving significant subsidies from the Cameron regime.  Yemeni leader Ali Saleh added that "while we call for an immediate cessation of hostilities by Cameronist forces, a peaceful solution must involve the removal of Cameron and his henchmen, and an immediate withdrawal of security forces from the population centres".

Meanwhile, an E8 delegation is believed to have arrived in London via the port of Luton, held by rebels with rumoured Islamist connections.  The emissaries are scheduled to meet rebel leader "Wiggy", of the "Harlesden Posse" faction of the rebel alliance, as a step towards recognising a Wiggy-led interim government pending the emergence of a more competent dictator.  A spokesman for Wiggy welcomed the move as "well sick man, you know what I mean?"

15 comments:

Mutassem-ization said...

King Abdullah of Saudi advised Cameron to give away 200 million pounds to everyone in the workforce as "a royal generous reward", cut university fees for UK citizens by half and increase welfare benefits by at least 100%. Furthermore, King Abdullah asked Cameron to find a way to produce a Fatwa that would forbid rebelling/protesting against the ruling system and ensure it is deemed unacceptable by all major religions/belief systems including atheism and agnosticism. The Cameron regime is currently negotiating with the Saudi Ambassador the terms and conditions of hiring the Saudi Consultant who would make the King's advice feasible!

Desertman said...

Considering the gravity of this situation, your humour is ill-thought and misguided. This is not something to joke about.

Anonymous said...

You have over-stepped the line. This is not humorous.

lil-bee said...

E8 .. Harlesden Posse ahahahahaha thats hilarious :D you are an evil genius comrade :)

Anonymous said...

As a Brit, formerly residing in Oman, now back in Europe, I think the piece is very humorous. Britain is in a mess, with a poorly educated, badly brought-up generation of urban youth, alongside a long term breakdown of family values. Public services have seen years of poor leadership and the growth of a 'jobsworth'/'couldn't care less' attitude. This includes the police, who have been taught to be so self-absorbed and risk averse that any teenager who fancies a new pair of trainers has suddenly realised he can just take them, with little chance anyone will stop him.

The country is in no fit state to preach to anyone about civil society, which puts all of the recent international grandstanding over the Arab spring, Libya etc into context. Hence the appropriateness of humour of this type.

Wadiman

The Linoleum Surfer said...

Funny how the London-residents find it more amusing...

Considering what this is actually about, describing events in the UK as "grave" in comparison seems a little over the top.

Anyway, thanks all for reading and commenting. :)

Slim said...

Lino - a you probably know, most Brits find everything amusing. It is a way of dealing with tough situations.

While this blog post doesn't exactly have me ROTFLMAO I still see the point of what you wrote. Keep 'em coming.

ynotoman said...

its the self service welfare state by the people whose slogan is

'I deserve respect'....

its a bit wierd that on some of the Arabic Omani forums the youth of Oman think that
"despite excessive force being used by the British police, there has been no condemnation from any international organisation or other countries"
I would say not surprising as the largly unarmed British Police - who in most TV shots are standing around watching the riots with arms folden are hardly doing more than the people watching them on TV

Desertman said...

To Wadiman, Britain is not a mess and the "urban youth", as a generation are not badly brought up nor poorly educated. Many thousands of young people living in British cities will disagree with you as they are law abiding citizens who would not dream of committing acts such as those we have seen. The violence, looting and arson have been caused by a tiny minority of people (not all young - some of those arrested are in their 30s and 40s) who have no morals and little regard for society. These people are not desperate, nor poor, nor destitute, nor starving. They are not forced into doing this. They do it out of opportunistic greed and a sense of being invulnerable. Blaming this on the government, society, public welfare or anything other than thuggish behaviour is being an apologist in thr worst possible sense.

Anonymous said...

Desertman, I'm not apologising for anyone and I agree 100% with this part of your post: "no morals and little regard for society. These people are not desperate, nor poor, nor destitute, nor starving. They are not forced into doing this. They do it out of opportunistic greed and a sense of being invulnerable." I must have inadvertently given the impression that I am a bleeding heart liberal rather than the all-for-kicking-their-asses ex soldier that I am. Please accept my apologies for the poor quality of my writing.

However I don't think it's quite as tiny a minority as you suggest (unless you just take it as an absolute % of the population, in which case any public gathering, demo or riot anywhere, including the ones in Egypt which brought down the government, is a tiny minority). What has shocked people is how many kids (the vast majority are kids) are actually prepared to go out and behave like this - if it were a very small number from the odd sink council estate in Pekham Rye it would be easily containable.

You may be interested in this comment in the Independent (note that he is not apologising for anyone either): http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/no-shame-no-limits-has-the-behaviour-of-the-mob-destroyed-the-idea-of-british-civility-for-ever-2334863.html

Wadiman

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I completely disagree with you on this: "Britain is not a mess and the "urban youth", as a generation are not badly brought up nor poorly educated". In comparison with its western peers, Britain regularly comes near the bottom in almost every OECD measure relating to the 'health' of society, from numbers dropping out of education, to single parent families, to divorce rates, to teenage pregnancy... The picture is not good. wadiman

Anonymous said...

Great post!
Can I suggest for your next post you simply replace British/Britain with Omani/Oman, Cameron with Qaboos, etc and then see what sort of response you get.

Blewyn said...

Desertman, I don't think you can blame only the greed and unfamiliarity with punishment that characterises the looters. They live in urban centres, where by my own experience the social and physical environment is very very different to the country. All you can see all around in a city is shops, restaurants and big signs advertising all kinds of shiny things. But you can only go sit in that restaurant with the people inside if you have money. You can only have that shiny thing if you have money. If you don't have a job, can't get a job, or have a job but the pay is a joke and you rent is 70% of your pay.....then you live a life with your nose pressed up against the window, while bankers get bailed out and MPs fiddle their expenses.

Nadia said...

E8! Hah.

Mimi said...

OMG you're such a lazy surfer! Don't say you're still thinking about what to write next!

Sigh.

:p