November 19, 2011

Impoverished Nations Seek International Help -"Colonial Liberation"

(WARNING: Contains nuts.  And blatant fabrication.)


European Capitals - "The Linoleum Surfer" Reports:

The breaking news that oil-rich Angola has come to the aid of destitute Portugal, has given a glimmer of hope to the European undeveloping countries.  Portuguese Prime Minister Pedro Passo Coelho, showing considerable wear to the knee areas of his suit, expressed his country's sincere gratitude on returning from his meeting with the Angolan buyers: "On behalf of the people of the Province of Portugal, I would like to thank from the bottom of my heart, our President and Big Daddy Jose Eduardo Dos Santos, for agreeing to buy us.  We have high expectations of the new colonial era and as well as the beads and mirrors in this bag, we are also expecting a revolution in technology and development from our brave and liberating masters.  And maybe a railway."

Other members of the undeveloping countries or "U12" expressed excitement at the prospect of widespread neo-colonialism from the the fast-growing "Third World".  Coelho's Spanish counterpart is reportedly already in contact with President Chavez of Venezuela, with whom he shares a socialist philosophy as well as a shared history.  "Yes, I spoke to Hugo today", said Prime Minister Zapatero.  "He's down with the people, you know, he is the one to stick it to the bankers and help out a brother with these damn loan payments."  A spokesman for Chavez also confirmed that a conversation had taken place. "Yeah, we heard from Zapatero and we are definitely going to be buying some shit in Europe", adding "and maybe Louisiana, but they are being hard-assed about it so far."

Two of U12's "big three" have also raised expectations, with France's Nicolas Sarkozy adding several prominent Algerian figures on Facebook and posting a picture of Zinedine Zidane to his profile.  Italy's interim administrators are also looking to North Africa for a deal. "Hey, Libya's got plenty money and we totally supported bombing the crap out of their country for them when they asked, so we're going to milk that, obviously...no such thing as a free [missile] launch, they say..." quipped acting Prime Minister Super Mario.  But the largest player in the Uro-zone, Germany, appears keen to remain independent.  Leading Urologists believe that Chancellor Merkel is still too sensitive about the country's history to allow a colonial arrangement with former partners Namibia, whom she is alleged to have described as "deeply racist about Germans since that whole genocide thing."

Europe's other major undeveloping nation, the United Kingdom, is not one of the Uri-nations but has nevertheless been affected as a Ur-out as much as the Ur-ines.  Prime Minister Cameron is believed to have tried on several occasions to contact his New Delhi counterpart for a bailout, but has been on hold since Wednesday with a call centre in Bangalore who "value his custom but are experiencing an unusually high volume of calls at this time."


5 comments:

Danilo Sergio Pallar Lemos said...

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Anonymous said...

This is funny.....however, as a European I believe it's about time for all the Third Nation Countries to pay back the trillions of EURO tax money received for free during the last 30-40 years - including India and China.

Jet Driver said...

Welcome back! It has been too long!

JD

The Linoleum Surfer said...

Anon...trillions? To China? Maybe they still own all the international rights to tea...

JD - thanks!

lil-bee said...

I love this post :D

Also @ Anon .. for FREE? Nothing is for free my friend .. in fact aid shouldn't even be called aid .. with all the bullshit conditionalities attached to it. Aid is a very capitalist transaction, with doners making profits of around $9 last I read .. so the 'free' money given out has been paid heavily, interests including.

India & China are actually of the very few who've managed to stay away from the neo-liberal woohaa ..

Either way, if you're gonna talk history, I don't think Europe has still paid off its costs from the colonial period ....

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