August 09, 2011

World Leaders: British Regime Illegitimate; Cameron "Must Step Down"

Warning: No Access Beyond This Point Without Protective Humour

Tripoli/London: "The Linoleum Surfer" Staff

International leaders today condemned the British Government as "illegitimate", and called for urgent change and a cessation of hostilities as violence swept the country.  Addressing the recently-expanded Axis of Evil, or E8 Summit as it is now known, Libyan leader Muammar Al Qadhafi called openly for regime change in the United Kingdom: "I think it is clear now that the Cameron regime has lost its right to rule.  He and his ally Clegg must now recognise that the people have expressed their will, and it's time to go.  We can keep talking about withdrawing paramilitary personnel and so-called "riot squads" from London, but ultimately we know that the only real solution is for Cameron to step down."

The recent demonstrations and violence have followed the killing of a man by Cameron security forces in the underprivileged Tottenham Hale area of London at the end of last week.  The paramilitary forces responsible refused to be held to account by demonstrators, and the uprising has now spread to traditionally oppositionist northern cities, as well as dozens of areas of Cameron's capital city.  Security forces seem increasingly unable to cope, and there are rumours of defections to the opposition.  President Bashar al Assad of Syria, who will take over the E8 presidency from Libya this month, predicted further rebel successes: "The Cameron regime has successfully crushed the unarmed student demonstrations earlier this year, but what we're seeing now is a widespread popular uprising.  There is just no way to contain that.  The Army have shown  no willingness to intervene, and Cameron's interior ministry forces are clearly unable to cope, and morale is falling.  We don't think it will be long now before the rebel forces reach the key Cameron-held areas of Pimlico and Guildford."

The loosely-allied rebels are making disorderly progress across the country, according to reports.  The Cameronist region of Surrey has seen buildings burn and security forces unwilling or unable to fight back.  Meanwhile, armed only with looted light fashionable footwear and some scaffolding poles, rebel forces have had stunning successes in Cameron's capital.  Electrical goods depots and food outlets have fallen into rebel hands overnight, giving an important logistical and morale boost to the freedom fighters.

Neither Qadhafi nor Assad would be drawn on the possibility of a no-fly zone, but both hinted at a willingness to provide practical support to the rebel forces: "Provided the E8 can pass a supporting resolution, Muammar and I are both prepared to send help to the rebels", added the Syrian leader. "They are clearly in need of the most basic equipment, such as scarves to wrap around their faces, and big-@ss sunglasses.  We are prepared to finance that as a necessary step towards freedom and justice in Britain."

A communique from the E8 leaders has dismissed a proposed peace mission from Northern Ireland as "lacking credibility".  It noted the long-standing connections between the London regime and Belfast, and that the Ulster representatives could not be seen as impartial while receiving significant subsidies from the Cameron regime.  Yemeni leader Ali Saleh added that "while we call for an immediate cessation of hostilities by Cameronist forces, a peaceful solution must involve the removal of Cameron and his henchmen, and an immediate withdrawal of security forces from the population centres".

Meanwhile, an E8 delegation is believed to have arrived in London via the port of Luton, held by rebels with rumoured Islamist connections.  The emissaries are scheduled to meet rebel leader "Wiggy", of the "Harlesden Posse" faction of the rebel alliance, as a step towards recognising a Wiggy-led interim government pending the emergence of a more competent dictator.  A spokesman for Wiggy welcomed the move as "well sick man, you know what I mean?"

August 01, 2011

Guide to Ramadhan Observance in the Arabian Peninsula:

(Warning: Last pre-Ramadhan indulgence in biting satire ahead...)

As we embark on our blessed and holy month of Ramadhan, I thought I'd share these top tips for observing the fast in the most khaleeji way possible, and really entering into the spirit of things.  Here we go then, the TLS "magnificent seven" top tips for observing Ramadhan like a real GCC-dweller:

1. You will need a large bank loan, preferably one you can't afford to pay back - don't worry, you can go to court as often as you like but nothing bad will happen (N.B. might need to be more careful if you're foreign).  The important thing is to maximise the showing off, and at the same time sign up to a whopping great haram interest-bearing loan, just to show that Ramadhan really is becoming the "Muslim Christmas".  Don't let those westerners think they have a monopoly on capitalist lust dressed as religion now!  It's your duty to out-consume the heathen!

2. Don't tell your business partners, customers or coleagues to expect any change in your working hours or performance: Imagine their delight as they try repeatedly to contact you while you attend your office for only two hours in the evening to play 'minesweeper'. Don't spoil the surprise either by telling them that as well as doing nothing for the whole month, you will reward yourself with a ten day holiday for the three day Eid at the end of it.  Inconsiderate?  Ha!  If they're expecting you to work they're probably just infidels anyway...

3. Remember - fasting is for the poor! Anyone who's anyone simply sleeps in the day and stays up all night (a good way to avoid some of that tedious praying too). And it's essential to eat twice as much as you normally would - and don't forget the extra fat and lots of sugar (especially given your sedentary lifestyle, obesity and genetic predisposition to diabetes).  Ramadhan is the month of multiple desserts.  Don't be shy now, get that crash weight-gain program started.  Month of fasting? would you manage your prodigious eating feats during Eid if you didn't have a month of intensive glutton-training first?!

4. Forget everything you ever learned about safe motoring - yes, even those of you who had to learn to drive properly when taking 15 years to do a 3 year undergrduate degree in the US! Not only does God love you more in Ramadhan, so do the ROP. Normal rules do not apply, traffic lights are red merely to warn others that you are about to drive through them. And don't forget to be inconsiderate to your fellow motorist, and drive especially dangerously within one hour of Iftar: Yes, you really are suddenly more important than everyone else on the road, especially if you used your new bank loan (see above) to buy a Lexus (or Hilux if your beard is over 6 inches long). Don't worry about the others you cut up and run off the road - they must be kuffar, or they'd be driving like you.  

5. Spoil your children. Extra lessons in being rude and disrespectful to adults will be required. They may wish to practice their skateboarding in the supermarkets, and calling the housemaid a b*tch. Older children will also beat the housemaid. This is more fun if done in public to increase the humiliation. Now buy the kids everything they want with money you haven't got, and let them eat sweets until they vomit. They will break their new toys within a week, so best give them some cash too, and encourage them to beg at all the neighbours' houses.  But most of all, teach them that greed is good, and to thank God they're not Indonesian and cleaning your bathroom.

6. Charity begins at home! So Ramadhan is an excellent excuse for delaying your employees' pay by at least a month. Blame the bank - the employees won't believe you, but they won't argue if they want to be paid! Oh no!  Demonstrate to the infidel the true generosity of the Creator by giving yourself only an hour in the office per day, while asking him to work extra hours and cover for your lazy butt.  And if you don't have the cash to pay, hey, faith comes first right?  And what kind of Believer would you be if you paid people what you owed them instead of booking the Eid holiday in Thailand as a dedication to the Almighty?  Allahu Akram!

7. Students: Forget studying - even if your tutors show up, they will remember to mark you extra leniently as they understand the important religious devotion you have been giving by watching soap operas on LBC until 5am. If you are studying abroad, don't forget to play your "Muslim sensitivites" card. No-one will dare tell you that you're a lazy waste of oxygen when you sleep all day, they wouldn't want to be labelled as "enemies of Islam" now would they?! When asked why you are late/asleep/talking to Fatima on your cellphone in class, simply sigh and reply "you don't understand my religion/culture/who my father is".  This also works perfectly well in Oman as long as your tutor is Indian.

WARNING:   There are some of your fellow Muslims who might think differently to you and really try to spoil your Christmas Ramadhan completely.  Some of them will even suggest that if you're asleep all day you're not fasting, and that Ramadhan is a month of religious reflection and self-restraint leading to spiritual and physical purification. They will only bore you by going to bed early, praying, getting up for work in the morning, and declining the fifteenth portion of Basboosa. If you do accidentally bump into one, just laugh and say "ma3lesh".... and remember, you drive a Lexus because God made you special.....

Ramadhan Kareem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!